She Doesn't Say I Love You
by BDewitt
Summary: Johanna Mason doesn't say I love you. Ever. One-shot, post Mockingjay Joniss.


She's never said it. Not once. From the day they met in that elevator Katniss knew Johanna was different. That she was brash, loud, opinionated, smart, cunning, powerful. In the arena she learned she was loyal, that she could be soft, that she was as broken as the rest of them just a little bit better at hiding it.

But she doesn't say I love you.

It doesn't really bother Katniss, not in the way people think it would. You'd think, with all they'd been through, they'd say it every day. Remind each other how much they mean to one another. Just three words that convey a powerful feeling that Katniss knew Johanna felt deep within her.

But she doesn't say I love you.

Katniss hadn't expected to fall in love with Johanna. Moving in with her in 13 had just been a favor for a friend, a friend who had literally put her life on the line for her. This wild girl from 7 with her shorn hair and her bad attitude, how she had gotten beneath Katniss's skin was a mystery. How she had wound up in her heart was a miracle.

It had seemed like they would never move beyond allies, but they quickly became friends. Katniss left for the Capitol with Johanna's parting words in her ear, the ones she had said so low Katniss was sure she wouldn't have heard it if her good ear hadn't still been facing the girl: _If you die there, I'll kill you._

When she returned to 12, Johanna was there. Food was being made on the stove, a warm fire in the hearth. Johanna hadn't responded to any of the litany of questions Katniss had hurled at her. She didn't respond to the insults. She didn't respond to Katniss beating on her chest, sobbing at the death of her sister. She simply put two bowls of stew on the table and held Katniss until she fell asleep in her arms on the couch.

They didn't speak for almost two weeks. Katniss went hunting in the woods, alone, as Johanna made herself busy cooking for them and for Peeta and Haymitch in the houses next door. Each night they ate their supper in complete silence, with Johanna's intense brown gaze staring at her over the table. Johanna made no mention of how long she was going to stay, and Katniss never asked her to leave.

At night she'd scream Prim's name and Johanna would slowly come into her room, kicking Buttercup out of the way as she got into the bed. She wrap her arms around Katniss and say nothing, just hold her tightly until her breathing came back down to normal. She'd fall asleep with the smell of pine that Johanna somehow still possessed and the warmth of her body pressed against her back.

Finally words came back to them both. Johanna would whisper stories of her life in 7 as Katniss came down from a nightmare. She'd talk about how the rebuilding was going in town when Katniss would come back in from hunts. She'd tell her, over and over, that it was not her fault Prim was dead. She'd whisper it in her ear as she went back to sleep like a calming lullaby.

But she doesn't say I love you.

The first time they kissed Katniss could barely see. The power had gone out - rolling blackouts to help with the rebuilding - and the moon was hidden behind a blanket of clouds. Winter had fallen on Panem, especially hard in District 12. Johanna was angry, _typically_, that the blackouts affected the Victor's Village. _  
><em>

"We've already been through the damn Games, they should keep us out of this. We've done our share." Katniss was groggy and sleep would not come to her. Johanna's grumbling was not helping. She turned over into her embrace and Johanna looked up at her, surprised. "Sorry, did I wake you? This is just so fucking unfair. It's gonna be freezing in here soon and we can't hmpfff-"

Katniss hadn't known where the impulse came from but it felt right. She pressed her lips against Johanna's mouth to silence her, and silence her she did. Johanna's voice ceased and she kissed back almost immediately. It made a heat spread in her body and a hunger settle in her stomach like she had never felt. Johanna's tongue sliding against her own, the older girl's breathy moans echoing off her lips, it was so fervent and insistent, just like Johanna herself.

They broke apart and Johanna looked uncharacteristically stunned. It made Katniss smile. "We can light a fire," she whispered. "Or have you forgotten all your survival skills, spoiled victor?"

Johanna got out of bed and muttered something about '_good kisser thinks she knows everything_' and quickly made a fire in the fireplace in the bedroom. Once it was crackling and at a respectable level of flame, Johanna made her way back into the bed. Katniss scooped her back into her arms and settled on the pillow, heaving a contented sigh. Happiness seemed like it was a far away place but Johanna made all distance seem shorter.

She'd say encouraging things, like how Katniss had finally put some weight back on, that her scars were healing ("not that it matters," she'd say, "the scars mean you stood for something and won."), that Prim would want her to be happy. That she should be happy. That she deserved happiness wherever she could find it. She didn't speak of the kiss.

And she didn't say I love you.

Katniss had said it first. That night of kissing turned into more sporadic nights of kissing Johanna Mason and feeling the warm, pulling sensation in her body that was unfamiliar and yet, felt entirely natural. Soon she wanted more, craved more, and Johanna was always more than willing. Hands found new places, entirely new places to Katniss, and lips and tongue found their way there, too. Johanna was impulsive and reactionary in most situations but in the bedroom she was soft. She was slow, she was careful. The first time she was so gentle Katniss wasn't even sure Johanna was herself.

She had been inside her, pushing and drawing out all of Katniss's stress and desire and worry from within. Her one hand clasped with Katniss's, the other holding her around the thigh as she brought Katniss to the highest peaks of desire. It was a few more tries before Katniss had found the courage to reciprocate. Johanna moaned her name and a string of District 7 profanity that Katniss vaguely remembered her night spent in morphling withdrawal.

Katniss had crawled back up Johanna's body, plopping next to her and feeling Johanna's warm, sweaty skin stick to her own as she pulled the blankets back up over them. She nuzzled into her neck and felt lighter than air, but heavy with love. She brushed hair, now coming down to Johanna's chin, over from Johanna's eyes. "I love you."

But Johanna doesn't say I love you.

Instead, she is just ...there. Always. She says things like "if you get hurt I'll kill you" or "if you're not back by nightfall I'm gonna get Bread Boy over here." She teases and prods and challenges Katniss. She's there with a kind word or a snarky comeback. She's there with strong arms and incredibly talented fingers and warm lips.

She puts breakfast on the table in the morning and dinner at night. She sharpens her axe on the porch and when she does it, nearly always sharpens Katniss's arrows, too. When Katniss naps she finds Johanna sitting in the chair across from her, vigilantly awake. When asked why, she simply responds, "Because the only person who can kill you in your sleep is me."

But she doesn't say I love you.

She leaves little gifts out every once and a while and never mentions them. A small wood carving that looks like Buttercup, a garden in the back filled with rue and primrose, a new tree in the backyard of which the seed had come from 4 to remember Finnick. If Katniss finds herself falling into melancholy Johanna takes one look and her and can gauge whether she needs to be held or left the hell alone. She's always right.

She is insanely stubborn and wildly passionate. They argue about mundane nonsense like how to properly repaint the walls or what to bring Haymitch for their weekly dinner and Johanna will insist on being right until proven wrong. And when she's proven wrong, she pouts and blushes and mutters and walks away. She chops wood for hours, even in the summer, to work off her own problems.

She can almost take a shower now and she will let Katniss inside the bath. Katniss had been late coming home from hunting one night during a thunderstorm, having gotten disoriented in the woods, and Johanna had met her, soaking wet in the woods. Her body shivered fiercely but her eyes were so relieved to see Katniss that the fear was completely gone. Everything was all right because she was okay. She is always willing to sacrifice.

But she doesn't say I love you.

Katniss holds Johanna through her nightmares, strokes her hair when she trembles and talks about her past. She makes old recipes she remembers form her mother, writes in her journal and has Johanna lay in her lap and tell tales of the other victors Katniss never knew. Their love is as bright and evident as a wide summer day and Katniss has said I love you a million times and has always meant it. And Johanna returns it with a kiss or a "me too" or an "I know."

Katniss originally thought it was just a stubborn Johanna Mason thing. Possibly a quirk of 7. But after months, then years, of loving her and being loved by her, Katniss was at a loss. She asked Haymitch, who was cleaner than usual but still a drunk, what he thought.

"Does it matter? She clearly loves you," he had said, sipping his white alcohol and shaking his head.

"I know she does," Katniss insisted. "It's just odd she's never said it."

Haymitch sighed, placing the bottle of alcohol on the coffee table in front of him and looking at Katniss. "Since you asked me, I'm gonna give you my theory. Everyone, and I mean _everyone _Johanna has ever loved in her life has been killed. Not just left or gone, killed. Her parents, her siblings, her lovers, her friends. Everyone. Now think about that. Think about what that does to a person. Makes you a little gun shy to love anyone anymore, right?"

"But that's all over."

Haymitch scoffed. "Does it feel over, Katniss? Remember when I said you never get off this train? You don't. We don't ever really escape the arena. Physically, yeah, but we carry that with us. You don't go a day without thinking of Prim or that little girl from your Games or even Peeta. Johanna doesn't go a day without thinking of all the people she loves that she's lost. She doesn't want you to be one of them."

"I'm not going to leave her. Not ever, she has to know that."

Haymitch smiled and placed his hand on Katniss's knee. "She does. Trust me, she knows. And she loves you. Maybe she'll never say it out loud, like a superstition. But I wouldn't ever doubt that girl loves you. Johanna doesn't do anything half-ass and she doesn't love just anyone."

And she doesn't say I love you.

Instead she kisses until Katniss can barely stand. She makes sure Katniss has eaten all her soup and had a piece of bread before letting her go out hunting in the day time. She brings home plums, a rarity in Twelve, and makes a lamb and plum stew that, upon interrogation, she blushingly admits to having called Plutarch to find the recipe of the one they served in the Capitol. She checks on Peeta when Katniss doesn't have the courage. She squeals cutely over pictures of Annie and Finnick's baby, though there is a sadness in her eyes at how much he looks like Finnick.

She will tear off Katniss's clothes at random intervals during the day, the week, the month and take her wherever they are. She never apologizes for her behavior or for the bruising hickeys she leaves on Katniss's skin. She'll just kiss her neck softly and whisper, "I just want you. And I want you to know how much I want you. Always. I want you to never be uncertain that you're mine."

She bought Haymitch earplugs for Christmas after he complained one year about Johanna being "too loud." She cleans Katniss's wounds, no matter how small, when she comes back in from a hunt. She'll snark about how Katniss should "watch where she's going" but still place her hand on the small of her back when they go anywhere, keeping her always steady.

She holds her hand when they're in public, rubbing her fingers with her thumb as they chat idly with some of the 12 residents. She brushes hair from Katniss's face and stands in front of her when the sun gets in her eyes. She says things like "be safe" and "come back soon" when Katniss leaves the house. She also calls her brainless and rolls her eyes at Katniss when she's overly enthusiastic about a kill. She strokes Katniss's hair when she talks on the phone with her mother.

Johanna is patient when Katniss has an overwhelming desire to have children. Something she had never wanted in her old life, but somehow, as the years wore on, she thought about. As children began playing in the meadow and 12 got on its feet. It was a bustling town region again and something inside Katniss, some biological clock, wanted to propagate.

They laid together on their bed, entwined and sleepy as Johanna strokes her fingers up and down her spine. "If you ever want kids, truly, I'm okay with that. We can...figure it out or...or adopt. I want you to be ...as happy as possible." When she's sleep drunk, Johanna is sentimental and less guarded. That's one of Katniss's favorite Johanna's.

Johanna would share small books she'd find discarded around town, reading to Katniss as she fell asleep. She taught Katniss how to use an axe. Katniss taught Johanna how to use a bow. They spent their days together, they spent some days apart, the spent the nights in each other's arms. Living each day could be a struggle but with Johanna, the load seemed immeasurably lighter.

In the fourteen years they've been together Johanna has not said I love you once. But in not one of those fourteen years, not even for a second, a minute, a day, has Katniss ever not felt loved. Johanna doesn't have to say_ I love you_, she lives_ I love you_. And that was worth more than any three words.


End file.
